Times are there to test us. If you’ve ever suffered with depression you’ll be familiar with the tendency to feel down for no apparent reason. I cannot relate it to any events in my life at present, I can only relate it to tiredness, which I am feeling a lot of at the moment. But once you get a tinge of it, the feeling soon snowballs and brings with it numerous doubts for various elements of life. I know I doubt my job, and largely that has been a reasonable explanation for the past fortnight’s emotion and something which I have been able to outwardly blame without seeming suspiciously unjustified in my sadness to those who do not understand. What hurts is when I try to hide it, I do not want to present such a level of pretence. In the past couple of years I have learnt to become more comfortable with my feelings, more knowledgable and in control of them. Like knowing your faults and accepting them; allowing me to feel them but not allowing them to get out of control. As a result I no longer hide from my friends, I won’t smile when asked how I am if in reality I’m feeling so devastatingly down, because how then will anyone ever know to pick you up?
I have only now collided with this dilemma again because I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 weeks now and he’s seen me as always being happy, until now. He is such a happy-go-lucky person, which is a wonderful thing but somewhat intimidating when you don’t know how to be so. I have been very happy the last 5 weeks, it’s been a huge relief to me to no longer be living alone, constantly surrounded by my own thoughts and little other substance. Just because I am feeling down now is no reflection on the situation, I wouldn’t want it any other way… but that is what scares me; my propensity to feel down even during the best of times. I wish I wouldn’t burden my own happiness with uncertainty and concern; permitting doubt to flood in and drown what seemed so right. When this worry sets in I feel I will make it all go wrong, it’s terrifying to have something worthwhile to lose. If you have nothing, you have nothing to loose; the Fight Club theory of ‘hitting bottom’, the notion of loosing all hope, thus acquiring freedom. When your life is full of goodness, it’s terrifying. When you open up your heart and hand over control of your feelings you feel safer because you are loved, but in reality you are in your most vulnerable state.
Despite all my doubts I realise I have a chance to be happy, and all I can do is be me and give it my best shot. The potential to be happy is so incredible, and there is so much of that potential in this relationship, so many exciting plans already, so much talk of the future. I’ll sooner grab that gleaming hope and run with it than sit here in sorrow, I just have to watch closely so as not to trip and fall.